


First Contact

by TheSpaminator



Series: Lena's refuge [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Character Study, Eventual Fluff, F/F, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Lena Luthor & Maggie Sawyer Friendship, Lena Luthor Defense Squad, Lena gets the love and support she deserves, Mental Health Issues, One Shot, Popular Kara Danvers, Protect Lena Luthor 2K17, Wall Flower Lena Luthor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-05 22:07:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11022561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSpaminator/pseuds/TheSpaminator
Summary: Lena Luthor has the perfect life on paper. A loving brother, a devoted father, a successful mother, money. However this surface life is starkly juxtaposed to the one she actually lives. Her darling brother is away at college and never home, her father is passive and defers to her mother, her mother is abusive, and all the money in the world won't make it better. Lena's only wish is to have a family, like the ones she sees in those primetime sitcoms. She only wants to experience that warmth. If only she hadn't been so irreparably damaged by the neglect and loathing inherent to her own circumstance.***Despite being tagged as rape/non-con, there is no rape in this fic. Sexual assault yes, but nothing graphic or extreme in nature.***Find me on the internet:Twitter,Tumblr





	First Contact

**Author's Note:**

> First off, I apologize for being so absent with my fic lately guys. I have been having a hell of a time in my personal life (more on that in the note following this fic) and as such have been unable to write. Please forgive me! This fic is a way for me to hopefully get back into writing although I cannot promise anything. I can only take it day by day and hope that I'm in a place where I can create, both for myself and you guys. This fic is a pure coping mechanism for me and my own mental illness. I hope to heal myself a little and maybe connect with one or two of you through it as well.
> 
> Potential trigger warnings: Mentions of abuse, coping with PTSD, sexual assault (not rape, I repeat, NOT RAPE), and breakdowns are all present in this fic. Please tread carefully, I don't want to be the cause of any spiralling. 
> 
> Secondly, yes the title of this fic is a pun. There are no aliens in this fic but it still made me smile. And it serves a second purpose in the eventual happy/healing ending.
> 
> Love you my little pterodactyls. <3

Lena can’t remember the last time someone hugged her. And the worst part? It isn’t because no one has offered. No, the worst part is she doesn’t want them, she visibly flinches and shrinks away whenever someone tries to be affectionate with her. Not even her big brother, her personal hero, manages to come close enough to her to hug her, or put a comforting hand on her shoulder. Not even her one friend at school, the badass and completely unflinchable Maggie Sawyer had managed to get close to her in that manner.

 

If you were to ask Lena, she couldn’t even tell you how they ended up friends. Maggie was the leather jacket wearing, motorcycle riding, take no shit rebel of the school. And Lena? Lena was the wallflower, the one most people wouldn’t even be able to pick out of a crowd because she’s gotten so good at being invisible. And those who could pick her out were quick to label her as a ‘freak’, ‘bitch’, ‘ice queen’. She chose not to interact, she ignored advances of any kind, and advances there were in plenty when she was noticed. Those moments, she cursed her appearance. Being beautiful made hiding that much more difficult. So during her sophomore year in high school you can imagine her surprise the day that the infamous Maggie Sawyer sat across from Lena at the table seating only the young Luthor. She hadn’t spoken to the leather clad Latina, she simply averted her gaze and continued eating her lunch in silence, not expecting the event to occur again.

 

And then it did. Every day following the first, Maggie would sit across from Lena and quietly eat her own lunch. She never tried to engage Lena, she never pushed. She just offered easy companionship and Lena could not have been more grateful. Slowly, painstakingly, they formed a friendship. It comprised mostly of shared disdain in the beginning, eye rolls at the ridiculous antics of the football players and their raucous laughter during the lunch hour. Then it grew to offhand comments about whatever book Lena was reading, or show that Maggie was watching lately. And eventually it grew to them having full conversations. Now, in her junior year, Lena couldn’t imagine her life without the other girl.

 

But still, in roughly a year of friendship the two had never made physical contact of any kind. And much to Lena’s great appreciation, Maggie had never questioned it. Had never even brought it up. Lena had to wonder why the girl had such a reputation at their school for being unapproachable as she was likely the most kind and considerate person Lena had ever known. But then, she never asked why. Maggie didn’t ask for more than Lena offered so the young Luthor extended the same courtesy. And it worked for them.

 

See, the thing that must be understood about Lena is that she is extremely touch averse. Any kind of physical contact sends her into a completely involuntary depressive or anxiety ridden spiral. She credits this to her mother, who only ever came into contact with her through achingly tight grips on her shoulders with sharp thumbs pushing between her shoulder blades to force her to ‘stand up straight, you look like a degenerate with that appalling posture’. Or through bruising grips to her upper arm when dragging her towards her private piano tutor when she was a minute or two late. Or the rare raised hands which left red marks upon her pale cheeks when she had courage enough to speak her mind instead of falling in line with the ignorant and bigoted opinions her mother would state as incontrovertible facts.

 

And oh how she wished upon every damn star in the sky that those touches weren’t the ones she had been ‘programmed’ to expect. But she didn’t really have any others to draw on. She had never even hugged Lex or Lionel except for her first day in the mansion following her adoption. They each offered a welcoming hug, but rather quickly Lena learned what to expect from the Luthor matriarch. And so she had never allowed contact with anyone after that first day if she could help it, and both Lex and Lionel just assumed she was not a tactile person, so they never questioned it. Oh how she wishes they had.

 

***

 

Her life changed in a completely unexpected way one very ordinary Tuesday.

 

Lena was sitting at her usual table in the cafeteria, waiting patiently for Maggie to arrive. Lately the other girl had been arriving a little later than she typically did and Lena wasn’t sure of the reason but she didn’t really care so long as Maggie still made it to lunch. Seeing her tended to be the highlight of her days.

 

Nose deep in a new book detailing the practical applications of molecular ionization, Lena jumped slightly when Maggie flopped down across from her. She looked up and met her friend with a quirk of her lips and question in her eyes. Maggie never looked anything less than completely self assured, so the trepidation in her features confused Lena.

 

“Sup’ Luthor. What new geeky shit has your attention now?” Maggie tried to keep it light, but her shifty eyes gave her away. She seemed nervous.

 

“It’s fascinating Maggie but I can tell that isn’t what you want to talk about. Out with it then.” Lena closed her book, marking her spot with a finger between the pages as she gave her friend her full attention.

 

The leather clad girl took in a deep breath and set her shoulders before meeting Lena’s gaze. “So there’s this girl, right?”

 

Lena laughed. “Isn’t there always?”

 

Grinning in answer, Maggie continued. “She’s pretty fantastic and we’ve been dating for a few weeks now.” At this, Maggie tensed up again. “And well, the thing is that she keeps asking me to sit with her and her sister at lunch.”

 

The young Luthor’s heart dropped and so did her gaze. “Oh, well. I’m quite sure you’d love to sit with your girlfriend. I appreciate you giving me a heads up and not just disappearing on me without a word.”

 

Maggie sighed in exasperation. “Actually. I was going to ask you if they could come sit with us instead. At least for a little while. I want you to meet them. And I know you have a hard time with new people but I really think you’d like the both of them. Plus, I want my best friend to approve.” She pushed an errant strand of hair behind her ear, fidgeting in place under Lena’s now intense stare.

 

“You-” Lena cleared her throat. “You want me to meet your girlfriend and her sister? You want me to approve? I’m your-” She cleared her throat again. “I’m your best friend?” Lena’s hands were shaking, she dropped them to her lap and clasped them tightly together.

 

The answering smile on Maggie’s face did much to ease Lena. “Of course you are you dork. Have you seen me sit with anyone else over the last year?” She chuckled and leaned forward with her forearms on the edge of the table. “I know we don’t know each other especially well, or at least anything about our home lives. I feel like other than that we know pretty much everything about each other. But yeah, you’re my best friend Luthor. We’re thick as thieves, you and I. Peas in a pod. Two sides to the same coin. Birds of a feather-” Her words were cut off by the flying grape thrown at her from across the table and she laughed. “Okay okay I’ll stop.” Maggie’s eyes grew soft now and her smile was genuine. “My point, little Luthor, is you’re stuck with me for life. So yeah, you factor into everything. So what do you say, can I invite them to sit with us tomorrow? I promise I’ll brief them on respecting your bubble.”

 

Lena felt at odds. She was unbelievably touched and quite frankly overjoyed to know that someone felt so strongly for her in any capacity. But at the same time, she was petrified to her very core. She knew Maggie. She trusted her. But the two other women? They were unknowns. And the fact that Maggie would go ahead and ‘brief’ them on how to interact with Lena made her wildly uncomfortable. Not because Maggie would do that for her and she wasn’t upset at all that the other girl would divulge things about her to these unknowns. Doing so would undoubtedly make interacting with them easier as she wouldn’t have to worry about being forced to deal with something that could potentially trigger her. Rather, she was scared that by doing so, Lena would indirectly damage Maggie’s burgeoning relationship. Who would want to attach themselves to someone who put so much stock into someone broken?

 

But the hope etched into Maggie’s features when Lena finally met her eyes once more persuaded her to ignore her fears for that moment. So she nodded her head once and offered a small smile to her _best friend._ Maggie’s answering brilliant smile made Lena happy she’d agreed, and she only hoped she wouldn’t live to regret the decision.

 

***

 

True to her word, Maggie’s arrival at lunch the next day heralded the coming of both her girlfriend and the aforementioned sister. Unfortunately though, they were not late and as such Lena didn’t have as much time to prepare as she’d hoped. Not to mention, Maggie had failed to inform her that her girlfriend was one Alex Danvers and her sister was the wildly popular Kara Danvers. They were both in Lena and Maggie’s year, Kara being the same age as Alex although they were not twins. Rather, Kara had been adopted and they grew up together sharing classes and most things really, quickly becoming each other’s best friend. The two sisters were the proverbial queen bees of their school, and rightly so. Contrary to the widely held belief in media that popular translated to bitchy, the Danvers sisters were all things good in the world. They were top ranked students. They interacted with and supported everyone they could. They were co-chairs of the school’s GSA as well as captains of their own respective sports teams. And most importantly, they weren’t afraid of standing up to bullies and quite consistently got themselves into trouble for being involved in disputes both physical and verbal. Thusly, detention was equal parts a badge of honour at their strange high school as it was a sign of juvenile delinquency.

 

Completely oblivious to her internal floundering, Maggie sat down in her usual seat across from Lena and dragged Alex down next to her via their firmly linked hands. Leaving the spot next to Lena open for Kara to take, who thankfully left space between them. Maggie must have been sure to inform them of her needs just as she’d promised. That put the Luthor at ease to a degree.

 

“Hey little Luthor, I want you to meet my girlfriend Alex, and her sister Kara.” The wide smile on Maggie’s face was nervous and joyful in equal degree. Lena couldn’t really relate to the feeling of introducing two meaningful people in her life, but she could imagine the discomfort. So for the sake of her friend, she tried.

 

“It’s nice to meet you both. Your names precede you but it will be nice to put an actual person to the stories I hear.” Lena smiled shyly and fidgeted in place.

 

Alex was the first to speak up. “Same to you. I’ve heard lots about you from Maggie. Besides her motorcycle you’re probably what she talks about most.” The redhead chuckled and Maggie rolled her eyes, then winked at Lena.

 

“And I’ve heard less because I don’t really want to third wheel my sister and her girlfriend but I’ve heard enough to think we could be friends.” The smile cast her way from the blonde Danvers was blinding in it’s pure friendliness and warmth. Lena was slightly stunned.

 

“Well, I haven’t heard much about either of you from Maggie but then she seemed really nervous about introducing us. I’m afraid that’s due to me but I’m glad she’s brought you over today.” Lena said the words she felt she was expected to, not wanting to disappoint Maggie or seem unwelcoming. They both seemed just as wonderful as the rumours made them out to be, but Lena was still ill at ease. She didn’t think she’d be eating much that day if the turbulence in her stomach was any indication.

 

Maggie huffed in exasperation. “Oh I see how it is, you guys will all bond over my awkwardness. I am regretting this already.” Belying her statement, the girl winked at Lena once more and tugged her girlfriend into her side with an arm over her shoulder. Kara simply giggled and turned to the mountain of food set before her which she had unceremoniously dropped on the table upon their arrival. And Lena? Lena tried with everything in her not to flinch every time the other two made fast movements and ignored the unease in her gut to the best of her ability.

 

***

 

Much to Lena’s immense relief, getting to know the two women was easier than she’d expected. And she credited that to Maggie. Every time one of them would momentarily forget themselves and start to move in an effort to come into contact with Lena and she would flinch, Maggie would subtly shake her head at them and quickly change the subject. She wouldn’t allow any attention to be drawn to the faux pas, neither in the form of escalation in Lena having to address it, or in the form of either Kara or Alex apologizing and forcing Lena to face her ‘otherness’. It was a process for them to learn to refrain from touch all together, especially since they both seemed to be such tactile persons. Maggie and Alex were always touching in some way and Kara hugged and snuggled up to both of them quite often and was generally very open with her affection.

 

Lena did still feel slightly guilty for forcing them to adapt to her unusual needs, although she never verbalized it as such. She knew Maggie would chastise her for thinking that and she knew that the other girl would be right to, but feelings weren’t all that logical now, were they? Lena hated that. She was a logically motivated person, and the fact that her emotions flew in the face of all she held in high esteem was an offence to herself.

 

Most especially though, she felt guilty every time she accidentally flinched away from Kara’s easy camaraderie. The sunny Danvers made every effort to be respectful and mindful, she simply sometimes lost herself in her exuberance. Lena didn’t fault her for that, but every time she saw the dejection in those bright blue eyes, she hated herself a little bit. Wouldn’t her mother be pleased.

 

Trips to the closest washroom to decompress every lunch hour for a few minutes were common for the youngest Luthor, as she found herself rather overwhelmed when faced with so much jovial energy and affection. A few deep breaths and silence went far in allowing her to last the entire lunch hour with the three girls.

 

Despite her accidental physical reactions to the women, she found herself growing closer to them. A sort of trust was growing, aided by Maggie’s complete belief in the two. More so though, Lena grew closer to Kara. Quite often Maggie and Alex would be wrapped up in each other, completely oblivious to anyone or anything else. And so Lena and Kara shared looks of exasperation when the couple was being unbearably cute, and they kept each other company when their respective best friends barely noticed their presence.

 

And quite to Lena’s utter surprise, Kara asked engaging and knowledgable questions about whatever scientific journal Lena might have been reading that day. And at Lena’s inquiry, the blonde Danvers provided her family as an explanation. Alex was a scientific genius in her own right and was readying herself for med school, drafting Kara’s help to study on a regular basis. Not to mention their mother was a biomedical pioneer and their father was more of a technical marvel in the field. She was raised by and next to scientists, and due to this she absorbed quite a lot from them. Enough that she herself could have gone into an scientific field had she chosen to, however she was most passionate about journalism much to Lena’s surprise. Although she shouldn’t have been surprised, Kara was a protector of many in their school, it stood to reason that she would be passionate about standing up for the little guy and that most definitely reflected in the reasons behind her desire to be a journalist.

 

Lena was consistently reminded of the astounding nature of all three of the girls she spent her midday with all week, and therefore consistently reminded how different she was to them. It was a sobering thought, to think that for all her genius (for a genius she was, she held no reservations about her own knowledge and ability), she would never be seen as someone to match their level. She feared that even with their association, she’d always be considered lesser due to her unapproachable nature. As an elitist, as an outsider. As a social pariah.

 

***

 

They were roughly halfway through their first semester of their junior year, and Lena felt like she was still always on edge with the two newer additions to her social circle. She could tell that Maggie noticed as well, concerned glances and silently begged questions were directed to her with warm brown eyes on a regular basis. Although if you asked, Lena wasn’t really all that sure in herself that the unease she felt was the same unease she felt upon first meeting the two.

 

It was quite different with both of them. With Alex, she felt like she’d found a peer in the truest sense. She was the only person to ever challenge Lena academically, as they shared a few classes and were always vying for first position. They were quite evenly matched and a mutual respect was quickly fostering. Add to that their shared affection and high regard for Maggie and you had a recipe for a lasting friendship. If Lena allowed it that is. She had an inkling that her feelings towards the redheaded Danvers were more in line with friendly competition and a surge in adrenalin at the constant push and pull they shared academically. Constantly leap frogging in grades and projects.

 

And then there was Kara. What could Lena say about Kara. She was trying to convince herself that the swooping sensation in her stomach every time the blonde Danvers smiled at her was in response to the blue eyed girls sometimes careless ability to forget about her differing social needs. Although she sometimes toed the line of what Lena was comfortable with, she never crossed it. Always pulling herself back and remembering herself at the panic that rouses in sharp green eyes. But for all that Lena tried to convince herself that it was fear, she was slowly resigning herself to the fact that she had developed a crush on the other girl. Can you imagine? A crush. From someone who couldn’t stomach physical touch in any form. How on earth would she even begin to navigate that minefield? She hated that she wanted Kara to be able to hug her, to share space with her and not have to police her own actions. But most of all, she hated that for all she wanted to be able to touch the girl, she still panicked and felt fear at the slight sign that it could happen.

 

***

 

Lena was so out of her element. She felt like she might jump out of her own skin at any moment. She wanted to be able to place blame for her current predicament but she simply couldn't blame Kara. It was late on a Friday evening, a playoff game for Kara’s soccer team was taking place. The blonde has asked Lena and Maggie to both attend during lunch the day prior, and for all her trepidation, Lena couldn’t find it in herself to refuse. So there she was, seated between Maggie and Alex high in the bleachers, as far away from those crowding the edge of the field as possible. She felt badly about separating sanvers (Kara’s name for the couple, Lena couldn’t help but refer to them with the moniker in her own head now), however they had done it all of their own volition.

 

See, while Kara was giddily bouncing in her seat at Lena’s agreement to attend, the couple had shared a look of concern at the possibilities this social encounter could raise for Lena. Silently they agreed to do their best to make it as easy for Lena as they could.

 

All was going well until a decently sized group of the football team had come up in the bleachers and sat in the last row behind them. Lena cursed herself for not choosing the seats furthest back, but she didn’t want to be so far back as to barely be able to make out Kara’s form on the field. So she compromised with herself in sitting a few rows from the back.

 

It seemed the boys in their letterman jackets had moved so far back as to avoid the eyes of the teachers and coaches in the stands. They each drew a flask out of their jackets and boisterous laughter and roughhousing soon started. To say Lena was on edge was a vast understatement.

 

Alex and Maggie shared a look behind Lena’s head as the young Luthor hunched in on herself and her shoulders stiffened around her ears, both arms now held protectively across her stomach.

 

She was momentarily able to forget about their nearness and general existence when upon a short break for the team, Kara’s eyes found them and she raised an excited hand to wave happily at the three of them. Lena quietly and shyly raised one hand a little bit and waved back while both Maggie and Alex yelled support towards the blonde Danvers and captain of the soccer team. Unfortunately, the captain of the football team, Matt? Martin? Matthew? No, Mike. Mike. Unfortunately the captain of the football team,one Mike Dax, seemed to think the wave was meant for him. He always had harboured a crush on Kara, both Maggie and Alex rolled their eyes whenever Kara mentioned his poor attempts to woo her during their lunch hour.

 

Lena felt his movement directly behind her, his form raising from his seat and leaning forward to wave with altogether too much enthusiasm. And then it happened.

 

One of his teammates thought it would be funny to shove him to embarrass him in the eyes of Kara who was taking in his display with downturned lips and a crinkle in her brow. The shove had another effect though, and resulted in Mike stumbling due to his slightly inebriated state to lurch and bodily slam into Lena’s back, also spilling his flask all over her.

 

She stiffened, her eyes widened in abject and visceral fear. The next few moments were a blur, and she is quite sure she depersonalized to such a degree that she blacked out, only to find herself huddled in a bathroom stall with no idea how she got there. Only vague flashes of Alex’s arm lashing out and fist connecting with soft flesh. Of Maggie yelling and trying to follow her, only to be blocked by the commotion surrounding her. Of Kara. Sweet Kara who’s only desire was for those she cared about to see her play. Of Kara’s hysterical eyes and rigid posture as she watched the scene unfold from the centre of the field where she’d just emerged from a huddle with her team.

 

The young Luthor wasn’t sure how long she stayed in that position until Maggie found her. She was vaguely aware of others coming and going in the washroom until her friend entered, saw the edge of her jacket peeking out below the stall door and rushed everyone else from the room only to lock it behind them.

 

Lena was hyperventilating, grasping futilely at the tight neck of her t-shirt in an attempt to breathe. Through her tunnel vision she became aware of Maggie kneeling in front of her, hands half held up in uncertainty, eyes shining with unshed tears as she tried desperately to come up with something, anything, to do to ease Lena’s panic.

 

“Lena, LENA!” Maggie’s eyes pleaded with the pale girl. “What can I do? I don’t know what to do.” She ran an unsteady hand through her hair as she watched her best friend failing to get herself together. “Okay, Lena I need you to watch me breathe, I need you to mimic me, okay? Please Lena.” She then took deep breaths, hoping that it might help.

 

Imagine her shock then, when in her wild state, Lena reached out and placed both hands on her upper chest, clutching fiercely as she tried to feel Maggie’s breaths. Her eyes watched her own hands raise slowly with each breath the other girl took, and she tried, she tried so hard to match her own breathing to the movement.

 

It took a few moments, but eventually her shallow gasps turned into measured inhales and exhales. She began to come back to herself, tunnel vision widening to take in all of her surroundings, and she noticed that she was _touching_ Maggie. Maggie, who’s own eyes were now freely releasing the tears she had futilely tried to hold at bay. And surprising herself, instead of recoiling, she found herself launching forward and burying her face in the neck of her best friend who's arms slowly raised to clasp firmly around the slowly heaving back of the calmer Luthor.

 

The two of them stayed there for a while thereafter, unconcerned with their uncomfortable position on the hard floor tiles. It was of little consequence considering the circumstances.

 

“I’ve got you Lena, you’re safe. I won’t let anybody hurt you. I promise.”

 

It was the first time she voluntarily touched anyone in 13 years.

 

***

 

Fast forward to spring break, someone was holding an end of break party and Lena had decided to attend with the promise that the three girls would not leave her side at any moment. Thankfully they hadn’t asked her to accompany them, only they had been discussing it amongst themselves at lunch one day and Kara expressed her lack of excitement at third wheeling once again. Not that she couldn’t find other people to hang out with when she went, but no one else really got her the way the other three did, and she verbalized her lack of excitement at perhaps having to socialize with people who put her on a pedestal. She was friends with a few others, but they were more casual acquaintances due in part to the fact that seemingly everyone had a bit of a crush on the girl, not that Lena could blame them. So Kara was considering not going to the party although it was clear she desperately wanted to go. Which is how Lena found herself offering to accompany her much to the group’s shock.

 

Lena wasn’t comfortable with the idea, but she had complete trust in the three women who she felt lucky enough to consider friends. They had proven themselves to be constants in her life and although that one instance during her panic attack was the only time she had come into contact with any of them, the care they had shown following it had meant the world to the young Luthor.

 

Alex had received detention for a month following the incident due to her punching Mike in the face, she was lucky that was all she received. Thankfully, the teacher who noticed and stopped the imminent brawl was familiar with Lena and had sympathized with Alex’s reasoning to react in such a violent manner. That being said, she couldn’t let it go without consequence.

 

Maggie had barely left Lena’s side afterwards, she waited for Lena to arrive at school every morning and often was accompanied by the Danvers sisters. She walked Lena to each of her classes each day, filling in the spaces with talk of her recent exploits in the form of pranks she was planning against the football team or getting Lena’s opinion on dates she planned for her and Alex. Lena appreciated it more than she could say, but then she didn’t have to. Maggie saw the look in her eyes as she floundered to find the words and she simply smiled reassuringly, then launched into another story or anecdote.

 

And last but most definitely not least, never least. Was Kara. The blonde felt so guilty for putting Lena in that position that she went the extra mile to make it up to her, even though Lena insisted it was unnecessary. She always gave Lena her second dessert, which if you knew Kara’s devotion to food, was unprecedented. She would read all the newest scientific papers so that Lena had someone to discuss them with. And she started texting Lena at all hours of the day. Sharing pictures of cute dogs she met on her morning jogs, funny science memes she found on tumblr, and texting her random thought vomit (Kara’s own description of her texting style) when she had an idea or observation she decided was worth sharing. She had no reason to fear Lena would be uninterested, as everything she did interested Lena. The warm smiles and flustered expressions she wore as of late added to Lena’s adoration, as the raven haired girl found she completely could not control her eyes and they quite often were focused on the blonde. The softness in them being otherwise only ever reserved for Maggie. Who everyone knew was the closest person to Lena, even above her own brother.

 

The night of the party, they arrived on time with the intent to scout out an area to claim as their own before the place got too crowded. The found a couch in the corner of the living room which while it would likely be one of the busiest rooms once the party was in full swing, also proved to be ideally located near to an exit into the back yard and was right next to the staircase leading to the upper level and only bathroom in the house. Thusly limiting the need for Lena to traverse through crowds and allowing her the option of escape should it prove necessary.

 

A few hours into the party and she was actually having a good time shockingly enough, finding herself engaged in an animated conversation with Kara about the possible application and implementation of nano technology, when circumstance started to accumulate into something with the potential to end very badly.

 

Maggie and Alex both left momentarily to get drinks for the four of them, leaving the two girls seated on the couch alone. And unfortunately leaving half the couch empty and one of Lena’s sides exposed. Lena didn’t fault them for it, they had asked if it was okay before they left and Lena assured them it was fine, what with Kara being there as a buffer. They were hesitant to leave anyway, but Lena insisted so they moved quickly with the intent of making the errand last as short a time as possible.

 

It didn’t take long for events shifted. A boy who had always carried a torch for Kara had made his way over and was trying to ask her to dance. Lena thought his name was Winn. He was a brilliant and very sweet boy, however Kara was uninterested in any sort of romantic entanglement with him and had tried to let him down easily on a few occasions. But then, the Luthor couldn’t blame him for his repeated attempts, and she feared Kara would have to be firmer in her declines if he were to get the hint.

 

Quite suddenly once Kara’s attention was drawn, Mike materialized and sat entirely too close to Lena. She felt the hair on the back of her neck raise, and her heartbeat started drumming in her ears at his proximity.

 

“Lena!” It was quickly apparent to her that he was drunk. “I wanted to apologize to you. For - for spilling my drink on you that one time.” He leaned forward and Lena flinched backwards.

 

As she recoiled, the boy backed up slightly with his hands raised as though she was a dangerous animal of some kind. “Woah woah woah, relax. I won't hurt you.” A rather sleazy grin stole across his features next and once again he leaned forward. “I won’t hurt you but I can make you feel good.” A large meaty hand fell to her thigh and his hot, damp breath ruffled her hair and caused goosebumps to raise on her neck. She stiffened and tried to catch Kara’s attention, but she was frozen. Short of reaching for her she didn’t know what to do.

 

Thankfully the blonde seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to Lena and she turned unnaturally fast and her eyes hardened at the scene before her. An extremely pale Lena and panicked eyes that were losing their focus. As Mike’s hand gripped her thigh in a painfully tight grip and he tried to sloppily kiss her neck, Kara snapped.

 

The blonde lurched out of her seat and very violently grabbed the boy, pulling him bodily from the couch and throwing him to fall flat on his ass in the middle of the floor. At his removal, Lena was spurred into action.

 

She jumped to her feet and ran towards the stairs and the relative safety of the bathroom. She vaguely registered Kara calling her name, and passing Alex on her way there.

 

Lena threw open the bathroom door and scanned the inside of the room, upon finding it empty she slammed the door behind her and huddled against the wall, knees up and arms crossed over them with her head buried in them. All of this occurred without her knowledge, her movements entirely instinctual and once again she had no memory of getting there.

 

Hearing the door open, Lena’s head snapped up in fear and she scrambled backwards, putting her back in the corner of the room while her wild eyes took in the form of none other than Alex Danvers.

 

Relaxing only slightly, Lena watched as Alex spoke to someone outside momentarily before closing the door and sitting down as near to Lena as she dared. The Danvers girl was very calm considering the circumstance and she rested understanding and steady eyes on the young Luthor.

 

They sat like that for a while, Lena relaxing marginally with the calming and silent presence of Alex working to put her at ease. Eventually she found herself able to speak. “Where are Maggie and Kara.”

 

Alex’s eyes softened. “Maggie is outside guarding the door to make sure no one comes in.” She failed to mention Kara’s whereabouts and Lena started to panic again.

 

“What about Kara? Is she okay? She doesn’t blame herself right? It isn’t her fault.” Lena’s hands twisted together, eyes restless and moving to take in everything around her.

 

The redhead shook her head slightly. “Knowing Kara she probably does blame herself a little bit, but we can all help her understand that it’s Mike’s fault, not hers. I’m sorry that happened to you.” Alex’s eyes hardened. “We’ll make him pay for it, I promise you that.”

 

“No- Not that isn’t what I need.” Lena managed to latch her gaze onto the lesser known Danvers. At Alex’s questioning glance, she took a shaky deep breath and tried to explain. “I need- Would you- I mean-” She exhaled in frustration, angry at herself for being unable to say it. Instead she reached a hand out towards the redhead.

 

Alex was slow to react, perhaps unsure of what Lena needed. But at the desperately clutching fingers, she raised her own hand and reached out. Lena grabbed on and held the strong hand in a firm grip, causing her own knuckles to whiten. To her credit, Alex didn’t flinch.

 

Lena returned her head to it’s resting place against her other arm propped up on her knees.

 

The Danvers sister marked the second time in 13 years she had voluntarily touched someone and the significance was not lost on her, even in her state.

 

***

 

The following Monday when they returned to school after the break Lena was shocked to find both Maggie and Alex seated at their table. For some reason she hadn’t expected to see them, she thought that she’d ruined their night. She thought she was a burden, too much work. Even though all the evidence supported them being there for her, she feared the possibility. She wouldn’t have blamed them for abandoning her honestly. What she was upset about though, was Kara’s absence.

 

She asked them where she was and was informed that the blonde wasn’t there as she had been suspended.

 

Lena was dumbfounded, as she couldn’t imagine the reason for it. Turns out though, Kara’s absence when Lena had her breakdown at the party was due to her, well, beating up Mike. Not badly, but she landed a few punches to his pretty face before other partygoers intervened and separated them. And spoiled, entitled Mike had told his parents of the ‘assault’ who then contacted the school and demanded something be done. Ergo, Kara’s suspension.

 

Following this news, Lena’s brow furrowed in grief that she had caused that. Maggie caught the silent self chastisement, and she shook her head. “Lena, it’s not your fault. It isn’t. This is on Mike, you aren’t the reason she was suspended, okay?” At this proclamation, Alex nodded her head in agreement. Lena wasn’t entirely convinced but she tried. “Hell, if anyone should be apologizing it should be us, we left you vulnerable. We fucked up. And for that we’re sorry.”

 

Lena brushed off their apology, she had assured them she would be fine in the moment. Her panic attacks and issues were her own, and never their responsibility. In this discussion, she finally was able to acknowledge that the only blame to be placed was on the boy who had firsthand seen her discomfort and had plowed forward regardless, crossing a boundary in his entitlement.

 

The youngest Luthor then texted Kara most every moment the rest of the week of Kara’s suspension. Her parents wouldn’t allow visitors, as she had also been grounded for the duration of her suspension.

 

As soon as the blonde returned the next Monday, she found Lena as she was on her way inside the school, asking her to talk before they entered. The walked together to the side of the school, finding themselves sitting under a large tree on the edge of the little courtyard off the side of the cafeteria.

 

Quickly, Kara launched into an apology with wet eyes threatening to spill at any moment. “Lena I’m so sorry. So so so sorry. I should have been looking, or I should have ignored Winn when he came over, I should have noticed as soon as Mike came over, I-”

 

“Kara, it’s not your fault, I don’t blame you-” Lena was cut off by Kara’s fear filled words.

 

“I know you don’t because you’re too good, and kind, and wonderful to ever blame anyone for anything. You take everything on yourself and it breaks my heart to watch you blame yourself instead. Don’t you see Lena?” At the raven haired girls wide and confused eyes, Kara sighed. “You’re worth more than you think you are. That’s why I blame myself. Because I won’t let you take it. You don’t deserve any blame ever, and if that means I need to bear it then I will. By the stars Lena, I will take it if it means you won’t.” Kara squeezed her eyes shut tightly and the tears that had been held at bay escaped, dripping into her lap from her downturned and ashamed face.

 

Lena’s brow creased and her lips turned down. “Kara.” She said her name on a breath, all the air leaving her lungs in her astonishment and utter adoration of the girl in front of her. At the utterance of her name, Kara’s eyes opened but they remained fixed on the ground before her. “Kara I won’t let you take it. I care about you too much to put that on you.” Lena laughed mirthlessly. “You’re right about me not putting the blame on you, but you’re wrong about me not putting it on anyone. I put it on him, it all belongs to him.” The young Luthor held her breath for a moment, psyching herself up internally for what she was about to do next.

 

Kara had released a breath at Lena’s admission of blame towards Mike and she sagged in relief, but she still hadn't raised her eyes. So Lena helped her meet her gaze.

 

The raven haired girl scooted forward to sit closer to the blonde, and once she was settled she lifted a careful hand, cupping Kara’s jaw and lifting her chin so awe filled blue eyes met scared but determined green ones.

 

“I don’t blame you. Please forgive yourself.” Lena pleaded with her, prompting Kara to release a sob as more tears fell from those icy eyes. Lena didn’t stop to overanalyze what she did next, but it wasn’t like when she fled to the bathroom after the incident in the bleachers, or like when she fled from the incident at the party. This time she was fully aware of what she was doing, and she was in complete control.

 

Lena moved once again and pulled Kara against her, letting the girl rest her head against her shoulder, nose pushed into her neck as she cried her relief in Lena’s shaking arms. The clutched each other close and both were late to their first classes, but they couldn’t find it in themselves to regret the circumstances which led to it.

 

That was the third time Lena had voluntarily touched someone in 13 years. And for the first time, she hoped it wasn’t the last.

 

***

 

The fourth time she voluntarily touched someone was when she was at the Danvers house for a sleepover with Kara, Alex and Maggie. She and Kara had gone to the kitchen to get hot cocoa and snacks for the movie they were about to watch, and Lena simply couldn’t help herself.

 

Kara had taken a sip from her marshmallow filled cocoa mug, and a little bit of foam was left on her upper lip.

 

And instead of telling her it was there, or offering a napkin for the blonde to wipe it away, she leaned forward and caught the lip between her own lips. She heard Kara gasp in surprise just before they made contact, but she kissed her back without hesitation.

 

It didn’t last long, it was Lena’s first kiss after all and she was still learning her new boundaries. But she didn’t have a single ounce of regret for it. Especially when she drew back and Kara unknowingly leaned forward, brow soft and relaxed with her eyes closed. The blonde caught herself as she started to stumble, and she opened her eyes.

 

The love and pure reverence in those blue eyes and the wide smile spread across reddened cheeks filled Lena with a warmth she never expected to feel as the result of touching someone. She couldn’t identify the feeling, but she hoped one day she might know the words to describe it.

 

They grabbed the other cocoa mugs for Maggie and Alex, and somehow managed to bring a plate of chocolate chip cookies (thank you Eliza) into the living room with them as well.

 

Neither could wipe the small smiles from their lips the whole night, even in the face of curious glances from sanvers.

 

***

 

The sixth time was when she had to sit in the school gym for an assembly and she found herself sandwiched between Maggie and Kara due to the overcrowding in the stands. Their sides pressed into hers didn’t put her into a panic, and she breathed freely with their comforting presence surrounding her.

 

***

 

The seventh time was when she and Alex were paired together for a project in their chemistry class and they got their mark back. They aced it and Alex raised her hand for an excited high five. Lena barely hesitated before she met it.

 

***

 

She still flinched when anyone other than those three tried to initiate contact. She wasn’t even close to ready for that. But she found that these three constants in her life were plenty for the moment. Almost too much, but she couldn’t for a moment regret it.

 

Lena still kept count of the times she touched people. The eighth, ninth, thirteenth, twentieth, twenty first, etc times she touched someone were when she kissed Kara.

 

The 232nd time she touched someone was when she tightly hugged Maggie and Alex goodbye as they left to drive to university, leaving her and Kara in National City where they were both attending.

 

The 576th time she touched someone was her and Kara’s first time being intimate. It took her roughly 5 years to get to that point, and even considering that she could still only manage maybe twice a week with prolonged contact. Lena thanked every deity she didn’t believe in, every star in the sky whether dead or alive, and every other possible source she could think of for Kara’s unending patience with her. They had many false starts over the years, but Kara never got frustrated with her, and only encouraged Lena to do things at her own pace, whatever that may be.

 

The 1268th time she touched someone was when she kissed Kara at the alter after they each recited tear filled wedding vows in the presence of Maggie and Alex standing proudly on either side of them.

 

Eventually Lena did find words for the feeling she felt that first time she and Kara kissed, and the feeling she felt many times thereafter. Or rather, she found one word for it. It was quite simple really, and she couldn’t believe she hadn’t been able to identify it for so long.

 

It was happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> You'll notice I made Maggie and Alex protectors in a different way than Kara is. I didn't want Lena's first moment in contact with Kara to be due to trauma. I needed the reason to be because she wanted to. And I felt it would be healing for Lena to be the one to offer comfort for once. Alex and Maggie being in contact with her were for comfort and a result of implicit trust in them in the face of trauma, but it was achieved through a sense of comfort in the two which was far more of a protective in a supportive and nurturing nature. Kara is both of those in spades as well, but not in a way that shelters her, you know? I hope that makes sense, it's hard to describe a feeling.
> 
> This fic was a way for me to deal with my own issues to an extent. I have been very recently diagnosed with a veritable cornucopia of mental illness, including PTSD. What Lena goes through in this fic with her extreme aversion to touch is actually something I struggle with. I didn't even know touch could be a trigger until my therapist discussed triggers with me and helped me find my own. And following this world shaking self discovery, I couldn't help but compare my history with Lena's. Maybe that's why I love her as a character so much, I see so goddamn much of myself in her. Thus, this fic was born. I needed to write my experience and also perhaps write something that my ending could look like someday. And honestly, I can't believe there aren't more fics dealing with the intense struggles Lena must deal with and the potential consequences of them. Sure, in canon Lena quite often presents as happy around Kara, but therein lies part of the problem. No one is willing to see mental illness unless it's obvious. Hint, sometimes it isn't. Those with extreme depression are often quite talented actors out of necessity. We put on a face that will be accepted so we seem super happy and gungho all the time while we're slowly decaying from the inside. Anyway, sorry about the long note. But this story was therapeutic for me and I hope it connected with at least one of you on a deeper level.
> 
> Sam <3


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